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People make me tired
January 27, 2008, 9:40 pm
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One of my big problems is that I don’t talk to people. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I talk to some people, of course. But not enough, and not sufficiently often.

I am an introvert. Jonathan Rauch wrote a brilliant column several years ago about introverts. I always knew these things about myself but until I read that column I had never seen my particular situation characterized so accurately. Anyone who is not sure they understand introversion ought to go read that column.

The shortest way to explain the (affliction? trait?) is to say that people make me tired. When I was a kid and would get home from school, my mom would ask me how my day went, what I learned, etc., and I literally could not put more than a few words together in response to her. Most often I would say “I don’t remember”; I did, of course, remember but it would have taken serious mental effort to recount the day’s events and so I didn’t want to. Perhaps I’d retreat to my room to put on some records. This frustrated her to no end and from time to time she would complain that I didn’t “open up” enough but in retrospect the truth was that I was simply tired from spending however-many consecutive hours in the presence of other people and I needed some time alone to recuperate, in an almost tangibly physical sense.

For me, being around people is like acting. It is being on stage. Continuously, with no breaks or intermissions. When I’m around others I am super-conscious of everyone around me and their eyes upon me (when they are), listening to what they say and reading their body language, and I am on my guard. Surely you can understand how this can be tiring? It is certainly not relaxing.

Ironically, I spent several semesters in grad school as a TA – teaching small sections of 20-30 students. And “it’s like acting” is precisely how I always characterized it. And yes, it was extremely tiring. Maybe it’s not all that ironic to have gravitated to such a role. Some people say that actors themselves are often introverts and suffer from similar feelings.

By the way, one of the reasons I believe people are so tiring to me and, perhaps, people like me is that – I believe – I pick up on others’ feelings very easily. Rauch talks about introverts getting a lot of input from other people. Yes. The input is always coming in, and I’m processing it. So if I’m in a group of people, and one person’s unhappy, I might be the one who picks up on it. If someone’s rude to the waitress and she walks away scowling, I might be the only one to notice it and feel bad. If I’m in a crowded supermarket I know whether I’m likely to be obstructing someone.

I am the opposite of oblivious to other people in this regard. And that is because my brain is on such high alert around other people. And that is tiring.

So, as a result, I act introverted. In one-on-one conversations I’m fine but in a group I might clam up. With so many people around it’s “hard” to think of something to say, calibrate my statements, and pay attention to how others are reacting, all at the same time. So, more often than not, I just don’t. At parties I stand to the side. At “social” events, say a work-related wine and cheese social or something, I am completely hopeless: the socializing part seems like so much effort that I invariably think “why bother?”, grab my stuff, and go somewhere quiet to relax. Or home.

The reason I bring all this up is that, while I’ve generally achieved some good things in spite of my introverted nature – a wife, beautiful children, good education, decent job – it is starting to cause me real problems career-wise.

For I have, somewhat haphazardly, found myself in a job where introversion is going to be a career-killer, and it’s frustrating and depressing. The fact that I don’t “talk to” people (other than one-on-one, or if I already know them, etc.) isn’t just some cute quirk, it has and will continue to have real negative effects. But I don’t know what to do about it.

I’m pretty sure that blogging about it isn’t the solution, but at least it can’t hurt, I don’t think.

Anyway, that’s one of my problems.

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“People make me tired” is the best way I have ever heard anyone describe introversion in such a small sentence.

My dad bugs me about not being open with him and telling him what’s going on in my life. I just don’t always feel like having that conversation and don’t feel like coming up with words to describe.

Right now I’m jobless because as a college student the only work I can get is retail and I really hate dealing with people, though I’m good at putting on act as you say. I can be nice to people and pretend to be outgoing all day then come home and feel like sitting in a corner alone for a few hours.

I’m sorry about you’re situation with your work though. When I had a couple office jobs, my bosses hated that I didn’t talk with them all the time and give them feed back when they lectured me. Oh well. That’s why I’m pursuing a career in writing novels so I can be broke for life.

Comment by lecya

Always good to hear from someone else who “gets it”. Best of luck with the writing – I think that’s a great idea :)

Your description of work/bosses/expectations is quite familiar to me, of course. I’ve realized that part of the issue is that I’m always looking for when I’m “done” and don’t “have to” talk to so-and-so anymore (for collaboration on some project, let’s say), and that attitude doesn’t really fit with the sort of work environment where talking/networking is half the point. Still working through this obviously.

best,

Comment by Sonic Charmer

This is a perfect description of how I feel. Every time I go to school, I feel tired. I have to compose myself on the bus and in classes to the point that when there is some human interaction, I am always lethargic. I never feel like initiating conversation. Even with my own friends, I sometimes don’t feel like hanging out because I would rather be alone and rest. I also agree with how introverts like us pick up on emotions better than others. I usually know how people feel and I can pick up subtle cues about what they are feeling. This problem is really affecting my social life, but I don’t know how to fix it. Should I try to be less aware and just focus on what I’m doing because that seems a bit drastic–being someone I’m not? I don’t want to loose my sensibility and be unaware of how others are feeling.

Comment by lawrencekwok

I am having intimacy and solitude issues at the moment.Searching for solutions I googled ” Why do people make me tired ? ” .This led me to this site. I find common ground with above comments. Thank you. Yes being hyper aware of other people’s feelings is tiring. Particularly if one is also very self aware, intelligent and sensitive to others feelings. The above comments reveal the writers are also in this category. What is most annoying is people like us who are not perfect but also tend to pick up on the contradictions and hypocrisy of others. This makes it very hard to relax. I am always wanting to point out there flawed thinking. But this is not possible. For the sake of social harmony we ignore these human flaws. This means we have then use more emotional and intellectual energy being. It is an act. I have always found that I can only handle people in small doses. If the contact is too prolonged I find there is more and more pressure to speak my mind as it becomes unbearable. As my energy and acting skills becoming further and further depleted. Then I wind up saying something that is true but possibly tactless. Even though in my opinion the respondent has been regularly tactless.

Comment by jim

Jim, you have described how I feel to a tee, I often do say tactless things, I don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings, but most people know now that I speak my mind, I won’t lie, if you don’t like the truth, don’t ask! Often it is better if I just take myself off and be alone, I’m much happier and I don’t offend people either that way.

Comment by jacqui

I also googled “being around people makes me tired” and it lead to this. I’ve thought for a long while there was some meaning to that, and recently found just a way to describe it. Years ago, being bored, I did a quiz online, and it said I was an introverted person, of course not knowing what that was, I looked that up too. That was three years ago, I’m only 17 now, and I must say, this has never been so well explained. I hate finding flaws in others, I hate being pressured to keep them to myself, I hate being around groups, and I’m still in high school, and it’s getting really really hard. The worst part is how no one else really understands it, and they just get frustrated at the fact that I don’t like to spend time in big groups talking about pointless things, or how I always find something wrong with something or someone, I tell them how I act introverted, and most of them time, they won’t believe it, or don’t care, if they know what that means at all. I’m wondering how I’m going to manage to deal with it though, I’m an artist, but I will need a job soon, and being so young, isn’t going to get me the most solitude of jobs. The more that I hate acting, the more people around me get even more frustrated, I just wish I could relax.

Comment by Rayne

Hey guys, having just googled “why do people make me feel tired” I can’t believe that I’ve found this page. Finally, people who feel the same way as I do!!!! I never thought I would find myself ‘blogging’ but here goes.

I agree with everything that you have all said above. I must admit, I’m the type of person who turns things back on myself so I ended up seeing a psychologist who actually didn’t even touch upon the introversion thing, we were too busy talking about ‘childhood’. I’m so glad you all haven’t seen introversion as a pathological thing as I did. I think society today places so much value on extroversion that it’s easy to forget all of the positive things which come with being an introvert.

Do you think we just need to accept that we are introverted and then we won’t feel like we ‘should’ be behaving in a certain way and doing certain things?

Comment by Sophie

Hi Sophie!

Just as you are surprised that you found ‘people make me tired’, I’m often surprised by how many people reach this page by googling that phrase :-) It’s comforting to know there are actually quite a lot of people in the same boat, isn’t it? (And food for thought)

To your question, well I guess I’d say that it’s very healthy and positive to accept that we are introverts, but also to explain it to others (that’s what I love about the article I linked – you can just say ‘read that article, it explains me exactly’).

On the other hand, the world is just not really set up for introverts. In the sense that, extroverts will by nature have an easier time being successful at many things. That’s just the way the world is, and so part of what introverts need to do (I think) is to learn how to ‘plug in’ to an extrovert-friendly world when they need to. Sometimes this might need to involve ‘faking’ being extroverts, essentially. Or maybe not, maybe there are other solutions. But the idea is to learn to recognize when some property of yourself is preventing you from getting something you want, and then working to overcome that in some way. Recognizing that there *is* such a thing as introversion and that it’s basically value-neutral, is a helpful first step.

best,

Comment by Sonic Charmer

Sadly introverts have less chances at being rich. Because wealth usually comes from being useful to people. I find that my skills are no use unless i can sell them over and over again. And its the selling myself bit thats tiring too. We have to rely on our work to sell itself. One thing im looking for is a person i can trust to be my ‘reviewer’ or agent. A representative like the art world ‘dealers’ which allow the introverted artists to go deeper in their work without hacing to explain every detail of their process.

Comment by Sam

[...] new website called Rhymes with Cars and Girls by Sonic Charmer.  This person is a trader, and an introvert, and very sarcastic.  What a fascinating [...]

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I Googled “social interaction makes me tired” this morning and found your article. I thank you for it and now I don’t feel so alone. I spent a grueling eight hours in non-stop social interaction yesterday and it has left me exhausted today. I feel like I must have taken a long hike straight up the side of a mountain yesterday but, in fact, I mainly sat or stood those eight hours around five people that I barely know. I just want to sleep today.

Comment by sherrimi

[...] that shed some light on my exhaustion however. One is Caring for Your Introvert and the other is People Make Me Tired. I am not alone it seems and that is somewhat comforting to me. I’ve often felt like an alien [...]

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The article and most of the comments that follow summarize my feelings too. I googled “socializing is tiring” to find my way here and can at least take comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in this. Someone above mentioned hiking straight up the side of a mountain. I actually hike up mountains a fair bit and find even the most rigorous hikes less tiring than being in a room with at least 4-5 other people for several hours. Sure the hiking is tiring but in an altogether different (and more welcome) way.
I too have found this issue to be an obstacle to career development.
I very rarely have a long phone conversation with a friend. One on one, in person conversations can sometimes be productive and not tire me out. It’s just been so frustrating watching the years go by and encountering the same problems continually. One of my friends (with a similar disposition) attended a toastmasters type thing and said it helped. But I have not noticed any change. I guess I just have to keep trying different careers until I find one that I can be happy in and that fits my personality.

Comment by keef

wow this is amazing! I too googled “being around people make me tired”. I come from a very close-knit family of 6. We had a 24hr daycare from the time I was six to the time i was 21. Everyone in my family is actually very empathetic and although we are close, we all like our alone time. My mom will read, while my dad either plays piano or cleans. My brother and I both draw and listen to music quite a bit, and my other sister socializes on all. We all hve a very smll group of friends maybe 2 or 3. A lot of times we don’t like socializing a whole lot, but when we do, people always seem to be really drawn towards us. All of us have experienced “feeling others emotions”. When we talk with people it’s like whatever energy they bring, whether happy, sad, angry, scared as an effect on us that results in fatigue later on. I majored in Graphic Design in college but the networking part backfired b/c I don’t talk very much, nor was I able to verbalize a lot my ideas, which didn’t come till later on. I”m now 27 and work in a call center of all places. They only pro about it this new job is that It’s helped me in speaking with people and getting my views across. What I don’t like about it, is that if someone is angry on the line, I feel my heart racing, my blood pressure go up, resulting in headaches. When I get callers describing their financial hardships, or how other employees have treated them, I try not to come off as if I don’t care b/c the empathy I feel twrds them is very strong. I eat lunch by myself, usually reading on the internet on my phone. As I’m getting older, the emotions that others give off is beginning to intensify. I’m not sure what it means, but someone intriguing, and sometimes scarey. In some people it’s like I know what they are thinking or feeling.

Due to this I don’t hang out with my own friends very often or feel like talking to them. It doesn’t bother me but I know it bothers them. I know for a fact that i’m introverted. I think with introverts, our extraversion is characterized in our emotions. Though being verbal is not strong, the emotions we feel from others and give off is strongest. I think many people don’t understand introverts b/c everything else is like you have to be outgoing and talkative all the time. I dont think we as introverts are weird or have mental issues. I think we are normal, rare, and special. If anyone would like send me an email once in a while about this, it would be good to help each other understand our introversion. its…fitzorella at AOL.com

Comment by Jilly

I understand where you all are coming from – introverts are for the most part, sensitive to other’s feelings. They read other’s mood quickly.

I too, sometimes need a break from socializing.
But I say people who know me more likely regard me as an extrovert. It is both true and not true. Seeing and interacting different people, do often energize me but just not all the time.
I guess I’m talking about a healthy distance when comes to human relations. When seeing the same group of people all the time, for instance, it’s natural that we tend to get on each other’s nerves – we start to see qualities that we don’t necessary care for…
That’s when I know I need a break:)

I do act cheerful and uplifting when I’m around people – because I feel very uncomfortable dealing with people who has no more to say other than flat “yes” or “no”. The moment of silence in this kind makes me very, very uneasy. So I basically treat everyone the way I want to be treated…positive and uplifting.
I understand how those introverted might be feeling but at the same time, they also could be making others feel just as uneasy.
In a group setting, I don’t think it’s necessary come up with witty things to say all the time – I think being a good listener is just as good. Some of my out-going friends aren’t necessary a great conversationalist, especially when they’re thrown among new people. But I noticed they still maintain a very friendly demeanor, like smiling, nodding, and making small comment here and there.

I totally can see some hyper extrovert people could act rather insensitive, or sometimes even plain oblivious to other’s feelings – however, I think it’s often healthy not to be hyper self-conscious…it is nice to be comfortable in own skin. I know it’s much easier said than done, and I go through my moments too. But the truth of matter is, people are not that interested in others’ as much as we think. We are too busy with our own lives, and have little concerns with what others said or how others acted.
Most my friends are extroverts and this is something they have in common. They are not self-conscious….I still have much to learn!

Comment by More people than your realize could be acting - well I often do that.

Sorry for my typos.

Comment by More people than you realize could be acting - well I often do that.

im in the same boat i guess. I have read about introverted people a few months ago and i was so surprise about all the things that they listed and i could almost check all of them. My only problem is that whenever i see a movie or other people interacting i do want that for myself too, but when it comes to me going and doing all of the talking, it just doesnt work. I get SO TIRED to the point that i just want to make an excuse so that i can get out there as fast as possible. Them i hate myself for it. After that i will be avoiding people as much as i can, until i see another person talking and i get inspired… its like a cycle and i dont know what to do. I have tried all kinds of book on how to talk to people ets… but it doesnt work. I used to live in Brazil and i had lots of friends in high school but since them i just cant make new friends, i am always weird and dont know what to say… i also have a boyfriend and he is my best and only friend at the moment and i have no problem talking to him though but he thinks that i have a problem and wants me to have girlfriends…. which i guess i want too. I am just so tired and i have to go to lunch with all my co-workers and i wish i had an excuse so that i didnt have to go =( help!!!!!

Comment by trish

I’m yet another person who googled “people make me tired.” However I don’t classify myself as an introvert, yes I’m a little shy in groups of people, and I don’t like public speaking, but I do try to get involved in things. I noticed that I’m not tired around other people who are doing things, or who are busy. I do get tired around people who have nothing to do. I get tired of talking, even if it’s something I’m interested in. I also noticed that I get tired before work or a social function, and drag myself to get there and am always late. There are other times when I feel synergy with others and feel great, but that is rare.

Comment by abby

[...] by Sonic Charmer on July 17, 2010 One of the problems with being an introvert is that, while I’m not shy, the world really just isn’t set up to make it easy for me [...]

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I am introverted too:-) So is my husband. It is a quiet peaceful existance:-) We are both accountants, so our work is thoughful and introspective. This works out well. I enjoy being with quiet introspective people. I meet with a knitting group once a month. This is enough of a social outlet for me. I finally quit accepting invitations to participate in activities (daily lunch outings, social clubs etc…). I am much happier now that I accept my introverted personality. Even church is overwhelming at times. So I go to the early morning service and leave before the loud crowd arrives:-) Being introverted is ok. I will have to “act” extroverted at times, but I try to schedule time to recover. Also, getting my finances in order was a big help to living a quiet lifestyle. When I am not in debt I can lower my standard of living to a comfortable level and be content with my paycheck. This removes any pressure to keep up with the Joneses. Sorry for the lecture. I am glad I found this website.

Comment by Fergie

Wise words. I’ve battled ‘social phobia’ all my life, and I googled “Why do people make me tired’ today after wondering why I always feel so exhausted by the thought of interacting with people (even with my family). If the internet had been around when I was younger like so many people on these boards, it would have been much easier. Young people here – try not be sucked into the hyper extrovert culture out there. Foloow Fergie’s ideas on how to be part of a community within the comfortable bounds of your introverted personality.

Comment by fruitbatinthegarden

This is amazing. I have just spent the entire day feeling exhausted after two days of finding myself in a situation where I had to socialize. I get utterly worn out and I realize that when I am with people I am both acting the bubbly personality and picking up on others’ emotions or body language that my husband says that I am imagining. I thought that I was the only person in the world with this problem. When I was a child my mother used to scold me when I tried to explain this to her. Now my husband thinks that I am negative. I feel so ashamed of this introversion and it is so difficult to hide.

Comment by annie

Hi all.

I’ve found this blog and people responses very interesting and usefull into understanding why some people get exhausted from socializing, particularly from hanging out with the same people for extended periods. I too feel physically and mentally fatigued from socializing but rather then searching why others, I’ve searched “why do I make other feel tired?”. It’s something I’ve noticed, more so in recent years and it’s something that’s had a negative impact on making friends, at work but most importantly to me, relationships. What I’ve come to learn from monitoring and reading is that this thing makemakes people feel “tired” is the levels ofdopamine in the brain. I know this doesn’texactly offer much advise on how toadaptin these tiresome situations but if youwere to research the effects and purpose ofdopamine on the brain I’m sure this would offer some insight on our human behavior. As for my situation, I’m sure I am someone that people would call an introvert but I think that the term introvert and extrovert are words that are thrown around very loosely. I don’t think just because some is generally introverted means that socializing makes them tired, maybe more prone to feeling tired but extroverts get this feeling aswell

Comment by Luke

Well, I’ve kinda stuffed that up, trying to send it from my phone but final thought, I think those people that you choose to keep close to you are very important. You don’t have to please everyone!

Comment by Luke

Oh guys,
We should really create our own world for introverted people! I’m tired of been around people! They take all my energy and I cannot get many things done because I’m around them. I believe I can pick people’s emotion and they can be bored around me. Still they want me to be an extroverted in order to get a better job and so on. We are meant to live in society and interact one another, but is really hard to do so.

Comment by Sandra

Whoa, this is really interesting! Been struggling all my life with the hope of achieving some sort of enlightenment on this condition. Until now, I have been regarding myself as suffering from asperger´s syndrome – but I´m really not sure whether asperger people also feel tired in the manner described here?
Well, I certainly do. What I really hate is the holidays, like going to social dinners all the effin´ time. So much meaningless conversation about NOTHING AT ALL. Such occasions sincerely make me question the value of humanity altogether. Honestly, to me most people seem egoistic, narrow-minded, and stupid. On top of that, I also get the sense that there is no reflection both the words coming out of their mouths – it´s often just verbal noise to me – and the lives that are being led; Not lives of “quiet desperation” but rather of “loud meaninglessness”.

On the other hand though, when I´m in an extroverted mode (after much recuperation), I´m feeling completely opposite and seem to be able to perceive every individual as unique and fantastic. I have also been quite successful in picking up women, because the interaction had a goal and a purpose (…sex). It always felt like acting. Here I often wondered how even the stupidest comments from me would sound sincere and heartfelt to these women – whereas, if I would talk about my genereal discontent about humanity (which I mostly didn´t), or my goals regarding my art, it would come off to them as only alarming and wrong.

I guess it´s true that introverts have an artistic streak in them. I love being creative and also being around other artistic people. My problems are mostly with the average normal person. Unfortunately though, they are the majority.

Sorry if this comment ended up a little bitter sounding. In fact, I am happy fto have found this place and to have read the above comments.

Much love to all of you!

Comment by Kaptajnen

Hi) I’m from Russia and I’m so happy to come across so many people just like me. As the others I googled “I’m tired of people” and found this. I can put my name down for almost everything said above. I’ve never met before people who also hate holidays when lots of people get together and waste their time talking about nothing. Personally I can’t handle it. Or people who feel a desire to be solitary sometimes and to escape from a crowded place. Now I know that I’m not weird and I’m not alone in my way of coping with this world. Thank you so much for posting this. =)

Comment by Marina

I learned long ago that if I’m able to have a sizable chunk of solitude before doing a social function, I can actually enjoy it (one-on-one, cocktail party types of things–NOT public speaking!) The trouble is, with an average work schedule, it’s pretty much impossible to find enough solitude time to charge up the battery before, and of course, after a social event. So I plug along like the rest of you, tired and longing for the house to myself for at least a few hours.

My advice to young introverts: choose your career wisely; find something that you enjoy doing all by yourself in a private, controlled environment; then in the evening you’ll still have some energy to spend with friends and family. I don’t see it as a curse by any means–friends appreciate my good listening skills and my sensitive nature. My partner knows very well (although it was a major point of contention in the early years of our relationship) that my dose of solitude is good for us both.

Maurice Sendak said in an interview: ‘I HATE people!’ At least he could illustrate in peace and quiet in his studio, and choose when and where he would interact with others.

Good luck to you all!

Comment by Anonymous

Being around people makes me entirely exhausted if I don’t have a day now and then to be by myself. And that happens very rarely these days.

Comment by butthole

[...] Introverts and the Left Seeks to Make it More So. I am an introvert, which among other things means people make me tired, and I am bad at small talk.   These properties of introversion have political and social [...]

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People make me tired too! I feel drained and sapped of all my energy when I have to constantly be around people. It’s such a relief for me to be able to be myself, when I’m talking to people my mind drifts and I can’t wait for them to go away, even though I’m a good listener and I like to help people, I have no interest in long, drawn out conversations or small talk, usually I can’t think of what to say anyway, even though I have a million thoughts racing around in my head. I think I’ve become addicted to the great feeling of solitude, but this isn’t good for my relationships either. It aint easy being an introvert!

Comment by Ingrid

you know how there used to be campaign ads to open people’s mind about homosexuals and minority ethnicities and etc.
I think there should be one for introverts!!
The biggest problem is the misconceptions such as “introverts are people hater” ” introverts have low self esteem” or “introverts stay home on the weekend because no one calls them out” etc. …

Comment by Anonymous

This is a perfect description of how _everybody_ feels sometimes. Crowded places are tiring for every normal person. Talking to groups of strangers is acting, and it is tiring. For every one. Besides, how can you tell if “So if I’m in a group of people, and one person’s unhappy, I might be the one who picks up on it”? You should just go out with friends more often and you’ll gradually get used to social interactions and become less hypersensitive. Don’t put the introvert label on yourself, you’re not a some kind of unique romantic lone wolf. Unless you suffer from some medical condition like depression, just deal with it like the rest of the World.

Comment by diavel

I always tried to convince myself I was an extrovert, because I really do love socializing with others and making people happy, but after reading this I couldn’t have put how I feel in better words. It kinda freaks me out actually because I literally thought I was crazy for being so self concious and on high alert all the time! My mind is so busy sometimes when in a group of people because I analyze every person’s behavior and ponder why they say and do what they do. My boyfriend doesn’t really understand when I tell him I need ‘Carly-time’ and I don’t know how to explain it to him. I love being alone, but I also love my friends and family so much, in small doses. When I come home after work or visiting my parents, I just lay down and put my headphone’s on, and stare at the ceiling. It would sound boring to anyone else, but I feel like my brain has been overstimulated (like when I write a calculus exam) and I need some time to think about nothing at all, except the beautiful harmony in the Eagles new album or Ladysmith Black Mambazo’s.
As far as your work goes, you just need to put in that extra effort to communicate. If your boss keeps hounding you about it, maybe just form your response into an email or letter, that way you have time to think about what you’d like to say instead of being put on the spot. You chose this career for a reason, and you probably have a great passion for it in some way or another, so focus on why you want to be there, and everything else will eventually start to come together :)

Comment by Carly

Well I found this because I googled ‘being around people is tiring’. So much of this resonates with me. I don’t feel I have a problem, I like to be alone and I do get exhausted from all the ‘acting’ around people. I find small talk tedious and boring. my boss thinks I have a problem, because I enjoy my own company so she has referred me for counselling! I think she has a problem because she can’t bear to be alone. She can’t accept that not all people are the same. She thinks my life is rubbish and I need help because I don’t go out much, but the truth is I am happy. She just doesn’t get it. So glad there are others out there, I just hope this counsellor knows what I’m talking about or I am headed for the funny farm…

Comment by jacqui

http://ahha.org/articles.asp?Id=108 Dr. Orloff has some good tips at the link provided

Comment by Anonymous

Very concise and to the point!
I always ask myself why people tire me!!!
Here you have got the answer! :)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Comment by Feryal

I can relate to how you are feeling. I am truely an extrovert, and like to talk with people and socialize; however, revert to introversion, requiring a great deal of lone time to regain my energies. What is happening is people take your energy from you. I have worked in the medical health field for years, and it is a must that you know how to deal with many different personalites. Without being totally aware of it my sharp instincts communicate to me or alert me to the traits of each personality. I am inclined to not pay attention to my strong instincts, it is like not wanting to go there because it hurts, I prefer to ignore the truth. Each time I have shut off my strong instincts………..don’t go there, I have been hurt deeply. I have learned over the years to listen to those instincts, and go with them, you can sum up a personality very well in a short time of interaction. You then have to set up a plan to work effectively with that person to protect yourself from their personality traits ie Narsistic.
Being able to view the traits re observing them very clearly is disappointing. It is disappointing to know that people have traits that can hurt you. That is what people do every day is, ” hurt each other.” One of the greatest examples of this is, “Jesus Christ.” For sure I am very far from being a Religious person, the life of Christ is for sure the perfect description of how we treat each other.
My strong gift of intuition, is a blessing to me, yet, leaves me totally exhausted; thus, I require a lot of time alone, particularly in nature. Nature and the loneness gives back my energies.
In reading your documenation I think thus what you are experiencing, as well.
I use my strong intuition to tell me the traits I need to know about a person. This assists me in knowing those traits about a person or person could hurt me, so I can then learn how to protect myself from them. The process is on going constantly in the work environment, in family life, day to day interactions with people. I am enclined to push people away from me, including my family, friends, coworkers because what I observe tires me.
I must work on this, and lots of lone time
reenergizes me.

Comment by Jane

I’m an introvert too, and here where I live, it is perceived as a negative thing (similar to many many more country I believe), my mother would bug me about not making new friends and never hangs out with friends the way my sister did (which made me think “aren’t mother supposed to be worried when her child goes out to late at night and not encourage it?)

Several teacher have drag me on several occasion to “talk” about it. One even call me selfish when he notice that I prefer to work by my self and don’t mind not getting a group for group project (and I was like… ‘selfish…? The hell! he have no **** idea of the torture I feel when I *try* to work with my classmate who are more interested in chatting rather then working’).

As if that not good enough for them, they (the teachers) also do lots of lecture about “just being smart ain’t gonna help you you know, the one who gonna success in life is those who can communicate well with other people bla bla bla” and it’s totally encouraging people to be extrovert and making introvert seem like a disease.

Thankfully I’m out of high school (where all they do is promote “togetherness”), and here in university people doesn’t care if I enjoy the solitude of the library corner.

not important but I choose computer science major and hopefully the info I got is correct and I can get a job where what I have to face is computer not human (random person : … that’s what most CS graduate do you know. Me : who know…)

Comment by Elizabeth

I understand the Energy Depletion being around people all day long. We pick up stimuli with every contact with another person…….this can be, at times, quite negative re other persons with their problems of jealouness, insecurity, judgements, the list goes on, as we all know.
What depletes my energy is my strong ability in the area of intuition. I pick up so much stimuli from everyone around me, it is almost as though I know exactly what a person is thinking. I am at 64 years old learning how to use this to my best advantage, and not be afraid of that ability. If I am afraid or don’t like what my senses tell me; I will fail every time. It is not easy to face what others think about you, it is darn tough at times, especially when you know for sure they are not on the money. You know what…….I have learned through this critism picked up by my strong intuition, and I make the changes that need to happen for me to be a better person. Is that so bad people?
I love being alone and doing things alone just about every day of my life. I enjoy my own company tremendously, and I like me very much. I talk to people everywhere I go in my life. If someone is good/kind to me, they have my company, and they are treated in kind. My strong intuition is always in play, and if it tells me to beware, I am.
I am truely an extrovert; however, introverted because we just have to be very careful, and guard ourseleves from those people that can and will bring much negativity in our lives.

Comment by Jane

It may have something to do with ‘egos’. In a social interaction there is a battle of egos. Have you noticed how people like to have the ‘last word’. Such as ‘it was nice to meet you and (don’t forget what I told you), bye bye’ That ‘last word’ is an ego thing. Its difficult to walk away sometimes without giving that last bit of advice to our unfortunate interlocutor.
People like to ‘advise you’ or often say ‘why don’t you…’ Not really to help you, but to say ‘I know better than you’. Its one removed from direct (military) orders.

We are a bit like birds tweeting at each other in a territorial way, its not so friendly. Its about self-interest and domination. Egos are always being pitched against each other. Thanks to the genetic algorithm we are built like that.

Comment by Stan

I can relate so much to what you are conveying. Don’t you just love it when someone you don’t know says to you, “have a good day.”
I love my own company, and enjoy being alone. There is so much to do and explore in life. When I feel like having company, I call up an old friend and do something together, and that is about all I can handle with being around people. I will do something like taking an outdoor course, and go winter camping for a weekend or something on a monthly basis……..and love hearing about all the interesting things people are doing or have done in their lives. It is when people get into telling all about their problems that pulls you into them……..and advice is always the response to these kind of situations. I have been burned with these kind of people many a time, and I don’t want to hear about anothers problems. I want to hear about happy, and positive things, so all the other garbage I don’t even open the door to………people like that just want to use you as a dumping ground. I feel very much like you; I am very sensitive to others. I must listen to my gut feeling and detour, when those feelings alert me. Tired of being the compassionate caring person, whom accepts people for who they are………you get hurt every time.
It takes time and effort to sort through the crowd for healthy friendships; however, it pays well.
It is exhausting to be around people all day, and have to, as well, on your personal time, especially, when your intuition is very high. If you know what exhausts you, then just simply avoid that environment. This works very well for me, and I don’t mind one bit being alone.

Jane Gateman

Comment by Jane

I work in Retail and I feel drained all the time. I hate dealing with rude, stupid, egocentric people. I see so many rude, selfish, greedy, angry people and I just cant handle it sometimes. There is no way I can work in retail forever I think I will go crazy.

Comment by Carrie85

Yep, to pretty much all of the above. What I didn’t realise though was how I pick up on others emotions. I never really thought about it, but sometimes wondered why other people didn’t notice that that person was feeling sad/angry/annoyed etc… Picking up on these emotions really is exhausting.
At the moment I work in an open office (tiring but I’m used to it), carpool with a workmate who is having car problems (an hour each way), and my parents are staying with me for a few months. I am EXHAUSTED! Every moment of my day is with other people and I look forward to 9pm when I can make excuses of being tired and disappear into my room for the night.
I think I might just take myself out for dinner for one tonight, and enjoy an hour or so of quiet at my favourite outdoor restaurant. I finish work early so can get in before the crowds.

Comment by Marvin the Martian

Quality time for me is when I am alone or with a deep thinking-spiritual type of person. Beer drinking alpha males and females leave me feeling desperate (to murder them!!!)

Comment by Anonymous

Oh and by the way, that article by Jonathan Rauch, hilarious! Loved it. In particular the last sentence, “Third, don’t say anything else, either.”

Comment by Marvin the Martian

Its just a clevar ass journos take where he manipulartes language to claim introverts are superior to extroverts. DO NO READ JOURNOS – they just make up stuff in a smart ass way.

Comment by Anonymous

Have any of you people heard of MBTI?
Being an introvert does not make you attuned to people’s feelings. I always test 100% introvert but I am sorry to say feelings are the most out of tune thing I have to deal with.
You who have that feelings gift are probably IxFx types. You’re introverts and feeling types, the other two letters of your types, who knows. In some ways I envy you though.
I’m an intuitive introvert, so I’m the minority of the world and I’m tired of people thinking there’s something wrong with me. I totally get you.
You should really check out MBTI though. After all this time I finally fully understand myself…
This link might help:

http://www.16personalities.com/

Comment by Cass

I am exactly the same. I sometimes wish I could just burrow myself into the ground and live an underground existence with my books. ;)

Comment by dreamerrambling




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