Sonic Charmer’s Helpful Guide To The Big 2010 Summer Movie Season
June 7, 2010 4 Comments
Not sure what to watch this record-breaking movie season? So many wonderful choices for you and yours! Never to fear, Sonic Charmer is here to review** all the summer blockbusters, with helpful capsule summaries and quick takes:
- Sex and the City 2: Dessicated praying-mantis harridan humanoids prance around in high-fashion costumes, nauseating the populace of an unsuspecting Middle Eastern country (Horror, 2010). Groundbreaking, will be studied in film schools for decades to come.
- Shrek N (for values of N>=3): Mike Myers continues his valiant efforts to pay off what I can only assume was an inflated mortgage he must have taken out circa 2005 (and which has since been securitized and re-remic’ed into an A, B, and an X bond, you can go to Bloomberg and pull up the entire deal using SHREK 2005 Mtge VAC[GO]). But what about the film? Are there sly pop culture references in this film, you ask? Why yes! Numerous! Thanks for asking!
- Prince of Persia: The Sands Of Time: Moviegoers who are Prince of Persia purists, and therefore hope to be treated to a thrilling scene of Jake Gyllenhaal being sliced in half by a floor-to-ceiling blade, complete with a ‘slice’ sound effect, because he didn’t hold down the SHIFT key to make sure he took a ‘walk’ step rather than a ‘run’ step, will be highly disappointed. The rest of you will too.
- Iron Man 2: Small, thoughtful, personal, Ingmar Bergmanesque film marred only by the fact that I was totally lost and unable to follow its highly nontrivial, intricate and complex plot (never having seen Iron Man). The filmmakers here expect way too much of the audience. Not all of us are film experts! Not all of us go to the movies to ‘think’! What about those of us who just want a rollicking mindless good time? If that’s you, pass this one by. It’s really more of an art/indie flick for the festival circuit.
- Robin Hood: Bland remake of the Costner classic, and its inferior in every way, starting with the puzzling and frankly disturbing decision to omit Bryan Adams’s timeless “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)” from the soundtrack. And no disrespect to Ms. Blanchett, but I’m sorry, I’m a traditionalist, and for me there will always and forever only be one Maid Marian. By which of course I mean Mary Elizabeth Mastroantonio (or whatever her name was).
So there you go! Hollywood’s dream factory sure has rolled out some amazing, spectacular entertainment for us this season. I’ll see you at the movie house!
**Editor’s note: I have not seen any of these movies and am not likely to.