Our Straw Wrappers Have Been Illegitimately Replaced
January 22, 2011 19 Comments
I’ve noticed something sinister about our society recently that seems to have gone largely and insidiously unnoticed:
Drinking straws are ridiculously hard to unwrap nowadays.
Everyone knows that you’re supposed to be able to take the paper off a drinking straw by grasping it gently by its sides, banging it briskly on the table in one clean vertical motion until the top of it pops out of the paper, grabbing that top, and then sliding the paper off easily in one piece.
For some reason, this no longer works.
Whether it’s McDonald’s or other fast food or generic cafeteria straws, the paper just no longer cooperates: it won’t slide off easily, and the more likely outcome of banging the straw vertically is that a fracture forms in its side, meaning that as you drink, liquid leaks out. Thereby rendering the entire drinking experience unsatisfying if not unrecognizable. So, to avoid this and get the straw out, you have to unpeel the paper off carefully, in several pieces, in several steps. Like an idiot. Like a sucker.
What has happened to our nation’s straws? Am I the only one to have noticed this? That’s the creepiest thing of all. I searched diligently on the Internet for over 80 seconds, but it appears nobody has noticed that our straw wrappers have been silently replaced by these pale impostors of their former glory.
Naturally, I blame communists. Or more specifically, greenies. Namely, I’m guessing that the straw wrappers are now made out of ‘recycled’ paper or some such nonsense, and everyone decided that would be ok to do, and no one would notice. Well what about ME dammit. Nobody asked ME whether I’D be ok with it.
AND I AM NOT.
Just another example of how, rather than progress, what we are actually getting is regress. Every day, all the time, little by little. When our grandchildren are drowning in tears with frustration and thirst as they fumble with hopelessly unwieldy straw wrappers over their so-close yet unattainable 64 oz drink of Brawndo, will they be able to forgive us? More to the point, can we rightly expect them to?