We Are Embarrassing Only Ourselves With Our Puritanical Ways

It’s so embarrassing to be an American sometimes, what with our Puritanical ways.

Take this hubbub over the IMF guy. We have arrested and locked him in jail for “rape”. Rape!

People! This is the 21st century! And last I checked the IMF head is a French guy, with a sophisticated name, with hyphens!

European sophisticates – I just want you to know – I for one can’t even conceive of a French guy committing “rape”. The French are the great seducers. So it’s almost a contradiction in terms. Even if he forced himself on her, that’s what she wanted. Even if she didn’t want it, she wanted it. (He’s French and sophisticated!)

If you have any education or knowledge at all then about 99% of the reading you’ve done in your life consisted of the sophisticated writings of the Marquis de Sade. And those writings are just chock full of sophisticated, high-class avant-garde romance that I suppose (by our Neanderthal standards) would get categorized as “rape”, “torture”, “murder”, etc. Are you going to put all of literature on trial now?

We are the laughingstock of the world. I’m pretty sure the world looks at this French guy (I think his name is Dominique de Strauss de Villepin – something like that) and knows that, well shucks, here’s a classy guy, so let’s leave it at that.

Seriously:

1. He’s French.
2. He wears suits and talks with a French (French) accent on TV interviews and suchlike.
3. He’s in charge of an international agency, with an acronym. It’s not like we’re talking about a biker gang or the NRA here. People: this is the sort of agency that European college girls probably like to go intern for.
4. He’s sophisticated and upper class. It’s not like this is a Duke lacrosse player we’re talking about. This is an international French guy who stays in hotels!

The whole thing is just mind-boggling frankly. Why we would persecute this suave sophisticate with our backwards rules against quote unquote “rape” is beyond me. It’s all so embarrassing.

If you’re a movie buff like I am, and you like small foreign independent movies as much as I do, then you know that one of the Frenches’es greatest contributions to modern culture was the highly romantic Emmanuelle starring Sylvia Kristel. In artistic terms, there’s practically no better French movie you’re going to find (perhaps La Boum being a close second). Now look. This is no different really than what happens in the final third of Emmanuelle, which is that Emmanuelle meets an older, sophisticated man Mario (Alain Cuny) who takes her on a sophisticated journey of sexual awakening that involves letting some street wino pull down her panties feel her up, having public sex with whichever random Thai wins an impromptu kickboxing match, and so on, among other things. They walk and talk as Mario explains his (sophisticated) philosophy about how she should open herself to sex, and sex with strangers, and all sorts of other stuff that probably went over my head because after all, alas, I am but an American.

Now then. Are you seriously going to say to me with a straight face that there’s something wrong with Emmanuelle – an artistic French movie? Well then? What are we even talking about?

Honestly the longer this French guy remains in jail, the more of a crime against humanity and, indeed, sophisticates everywhere we are committing. I can’t even imagine what this poor man’s bankers, mistresses, and/or household staff must be going through at this time. Locked up by the Puritanical Yanks over a bit of jolly good fun “rape”! It’s like something out of the Middle Ages.

To the French, and other European sophisticates everywhere, who I’m sure are looking upon this travesty with a mixture of shock and horror: I can only say: it’s Not In My Name.

Afterthought 1: Don’t French and other European people have immunity from U.S. law, by definition? In light of this and the Roman Polanski lynching, shouldn’t they?

Afterthought 2: What happens to all of the International Money that this guy was actively in charge of, managing, and doing a lot of great things with as the highly-qualified head of the International Monetary Fund? I’m worried. Have we found another French L’Ecole graduate to take his place? Wasn’t it irresponsible to arrest him if the answer is no?

Afterthought 3: Is this a political persecution? Seeing as how France opposed The Iraq War, and this guy is a ‘liberal’. Connect the dots.

Afterthought 4: What sort of prison conditions is he being subjected to? Is it time to get the International Criminal Court or the ACLU to look into his rights and into whether the U.S. courts/prisons should be put on trial for crimes against humanity?

Afterthought 5: Finally, are his values and beliefs as a Frenchman being respected? For example: Is he being regularly given properly-handled snails to eat and young women to rape? (Just to name two examples.)