Things Your Boss Might Ask You To Do
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January 13, 2012, 1:17 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: boss, duh, square circles, square roots
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: boss, duh, square circles, square roots
…if you’re anything like me…
- Make a square circle. In this scenario, the boss has gotten the idea into his head that all the current problems stem from the fact that we don’t have a square circle. So, he’s putting you on the task. When you patiently & politely try to explain that a square circle isn’t, like, a possible thing (and thus that the problem must in fact lie elsewhere than the lack for a square circle), he first infers that you must just not know what squares and circles are, and so he spends 10 minutes explaining the basics to you condescendingly, as you nod our head and bite your tongue trying to refrain from yelling out ‘duh’. When he’s done you thank him for explaining and then try to restate your case that the search for a square circle is fruitless. Inevitably he pivots to the idea that what you are lacking for is a suitable Next Action, so he assigns you one. “How about this, can you just start off by making a circle and take a look. When you’ve done that let’s loop back together – drop something in my calendar – and see how square it is.” Etc. Thus what should be a two-second conversation (=you telling him there are no square circles and him realizing it and moving on to something else) becomes a Project, which will require endless Updates and Status Reports. “Where are we on that square circle?”
- Take an excruciatingly long time to find the square roots of 4. That is, to solve a tremendously obvious problem that he refuses to recognize as having already known and obvious solutions. Your boss has got it in his head that what he needs to get you working on is to find the square roots of 4, if there are any. (He’s told his boss that he’ll put someone on it and report back next week, you see.) From practically the moment he rushes out to you to explain what he wants, the thought ’2 and -2′ pops into your head. “Two, and minus-two”, you blurt out. Boss furrows his brow. “Yes, I suppose that’s one approach. It might even be the right one. But we really need someone to take dig in-depth here. Can you take a look?” Two and minus-two! “Just take a look. If you come up with something could you put it in a powerpoint. I’ve got to run to another meeting but I’ll be around tomorrow if you have any questions.” Two and minus two!!! Next day: “Where are we on those square roots of 4?” +/-2!!!!!!
- Order a coffee from you without telling you small, medium or large. That is, the boss asks you to produce something that could have property X, Y, or Z without telling you which of those he wants or even understanding that he, as the person asking, actually needs to pick one. You patiently explain that, within the parameters of his request, it still remains to choose from among options X, Y, and Z. He restates the request, thinking you may not have understood it. Yes, I understood that part, but the thing you’re asking could be type X, type Y, or type Z. Which do you prefer? “What I want is a coffee…”
Basically all these encounters involve trying to get the boss’s request off your plate because it is stupid and/or trivial, and him not recognizing it as such. The resulting ‘work’ becomes more about finding/strategizing ways to communicate to your boss that his request is stupid/trivial, than about producing the actual thing (which either can’t be done or is obvious and takes 5 minutes given the right info).
To the extent these patterns are widespread, it doesn’t speak well for productivity. But of course, maybe it’s just me.
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A couple years ago, a Boss above my Boss began to demand, as ongoing policy, that we all provide a bunch of senseless/useless information for no discernible reason.
When I complained to my Boss that the information being demanded was senseless and useless he did not agree or disagree.
Instead, he told me that, often, when policies are made which make no sense whatsoever, it is best to go along with the policy for a few weeks and watch what happens.
What happened was that all enthusiasm for the policy died rather quickly and, six months later, the big Boss got his ass handed to him, and my Boss was promoted to the position of Big Boss.
Looking back on it, I believe the old Big Boss knew his ass was on the line, so, out of desperation he began to make up ridiculous policies 1) in order to assert his authority, 2) make it seem like he was doing something, and 3) to see if, somehow, he could pull a rabbit out of a hat.
Comment by Pastorius January 13, 2012 @ 8:48 am1) in order to assert his authority, 2) make it seem like he was doing something, and 3) to see if, somehow, he could pull a rabbit out of a hat.
That was definitely the case at my old job, back in the early-00s recession. Suddenly we were all assigned the kind of busy work that not even a hung-over third grade teacher would assign. The mid-level bosses suddenly discovered that management lacked “measurables,” so they went into panic mode.
[They eventually solved the problem by implementing one of those new trendy consultant-based solutions -- "total quality management," I think it was, or some such. Sure, lots of line folks got laid off anyway, but at least management could look busy all the time (and thus keep their jobs)].
Comment by Severian January 13, 2012 @ 8:54 amScotty: Starfleet captains are like children. They want everything right now and they want it their way. But the secret is to give them only what they need, not what they want.
Comment by Morgan K Freeberg January 13, 2012 @ 9:00 amLt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Yeah, well, I told the Captain I’d have this analysis done in an hour.
Scotty: How long will it really take?
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: An hour!
Scotty: Oh, you didn’t tell him how long it would *really* take, did ya?
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Well, of course I did.
Scotty: Oh, laddie. You’ve got a lot to learn if you want people to think of you as a miracle worker.
Re: The square roots of 4:
You could humor him with a rigorous proof, from the axioms of a complete ordered field, that there are no other roots than 2 and -2. Not a difficult thing to do– pretty routine for a first course in real analysis. If you spent 20 minutes stretching it out with generic gushings about the history of real analysis, your proof could conceivably be passed off as being a couple week’s work– letting you slack off during those weeks while your boss thinks you’re studying the “problem”
Comment by Xamuel January 13, 2012 @ 2:58 pmComment by Pastorius January 13, 2012 @ 10:31 pm
Heh.
Comment by Sonic Charmer January 15, 2012 @ 4:06 pm