Sonic Charmer For President-Guy
January 26, 2012 4 Comments
Frustrated with the current slate of options faced by our country, and after zero lengthy discussions with my family or soul-searching, I have decided to do the right and responsible thing by my country and throw my hat into the ring to be the evil (R) party’s nominee for President of the United States. Please vote for me, like by writing in “Sonic Charmer”, or (if you’re a broker at the convention) please broker the convention for me. Or however you call it, I’m not sure how that part works.
Key facts about me, Sonic Charmer, and why I am qualified to be the next President of the United States:
- Spent a great deal of time in academics, thereby safely insulated from the real world.
- I have never worked for or been associated a private equity fund. I barely even know what they do.
- Wife count: < 2 (strict inequality).
- Would be cool with Warren Buffet’s secretary’s tax rate being lowered by special Act of Congress. (I’d overhaul the tax code to be flatter for the rest of us, but Warren Buffet’s secretary, she’s a special case, we’re all very concerned about her)
- Visionary. I think we should build a giant space station next to a wormhole. An AMERICAN space station.
- Can read aloud printed words placed in my field of vision into an amplifying device (aka speech-giving). I also bet I’d be adept at rotating my head left and right and back again in a creepily-robotic and regular-periodic manner to simulate looking at individual audience members, while doing so.
- Tall. (VERY important)
- Will pledge to close Guantanamo Bay, just like my predecessor pledged, if that’ll help.
- I believe the children are the future. (I really do.)
- Have implemented zero (0) state-level Obamacares so would lack Mitt Romney’s baggage vs. Obama in the general election.
- Willing to pretend to have a pet cat and/or dog who is very important in my life, and then have a ghost-writer write a “book” on his/her/its behalf, once in the White House.
- Have not participated in any debates, so the Obama campaign will have no clips of me saying something silly/reckless/’scary’ for their negative campaigning
- Finally: I am a natural-born citizen of the United States, which you will know solely on my say-so. (It would be racist to ask me to prove it)
There’s more where that came from, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise. You have to vote me into the Presidency to find out what I’ll do there.
But that’s why they call it DECISION ’12!
Hmm… you almost have my vote. Do you play saxophone?
Not sure (maybe?). But I’d probably be willing to describe the design of my underwear on a women’s TV show, which I know can only help.
I hear that Wormholes are great sources of clean, renewable energy.
I’m afraid they’ll drudge up dirt on you, from your past. What’ll happen if they say you once called Bush, “Bushitler”? Will you resort to saying “that was taken out of context?”.
Scary thought is one day Yglesias might be president.