How I would like the ‘fiscal cliff’ negotiations to go, dramatized
December 4, 2012 2 Comments
Matthew Yglesias says there is no real Boehner counteroffer to a ‘deal’ that saves us all from the Dreaded Fiscal Cliff. From his Macbook keyboard to God’s ears! Or His eyes, I suppose. I would certainly love to believe there is no counteroffer being put forth, and (relatedly) no ‘deal’ in the cards. (I don’t.)
Here how I want the (R)s to be all like. This leads me to the next section of this post:
HOW I WANT THE R’S TO BE ALL LIKE
For this metaphor you should think of the government rules about taxes and fiscal whatevers as a shiny, antique red convertible. And the (R)s are like a 10-year-old kid with sandy blond hair, the Republikid.
The Republikid has just taken the Fiscal Convertible for a joyride down a deserted Iowa highway. He speeds along between cornfields. His bossy, nagging, and probably abusive stepdad – who represents Team Obama – calls him on the Nokia and is all like:
Hey, are you out of your mind?
That car is an antique.
You get your ass back home now!
You live in my house buddy.
You live in my house and that’s my car.
You get one scratch on that car and I’m gonna whip your ass…
The kid opens the convertible hood, which falls off. Beastie Boys plays on the stereo. “Yeah!!!”
Then the Republikid passes this other kid who is trying to hitchhike for some reason. It makes no real sense because, where did this kid come from to be trying to hitchhike from that particular point in the highway? Also, he’s like 13 years old. Is he running away? Anyway, Republikid waves to him because he knows him, I guess. They’re friends. The kid looks agape at Republikid in shock and awe. This hitchhiking kid represents, oh I dunno, let’s say Military Contractors, who are trying to keep the ride going by hitching a ride in the Fiscal Convertible. Republikid leaves him in the dust though so he will not be seen again. Which is fine with pretty much everyone.
A bit later, a faceless motorcycle cop is seen closing in on Republikid and his Fiscal Convertible. This cop is The Media. Mediacop considers it his job to goad and nag the Republikid into a ‘deal’ to avoid the Fiscal Cliff. As such, he’s all like,
Citizen, pull over.
But Republikid just keeps going. The chase is on. Does Republikid pull over and do a ‘deal’? NO. He points the speeding car at a gigantic ravine inexplicably situated in the middle of Iowa, jumps out at the last minute, and sends the car over the Fiscal Cliff. Yes!!
Then he pulls himself up, dusts himself off, and when the cop arrives, he’s all, cocky and brash-like,
Is there a problem officer?
THAT’S what I want the (R)s to be all like. That’s my ‘solution’ to the Fiscal Cliff: let’s just ghost-ride off that sucker. PLEASE!
If you’re having trouble picturing any of this, I’ve spent a good 20 minutes in Adobe Premiere, using my CGI & voice acting skills, to dramatize the metaphor, and I’ve posted the result to Youtube here. It should make things far more clear: