The RWCG Field Guide To Today’s Female Pop Stars
February 21, 2013, 10:06 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Now that it’s Grammy time (I think it’s some time around now) I thought I’d share with RWCG readers the Crimson Reach’s insights into our glamorous female pop stars of today. Who are these people? you wonder. What are their names? Did they do songs? And, maybe other stuff about them. Well that’s why there’s me**. (The Crimson Reach).


Rihanna – Rihanna is a pop singer. She is female. Her name, one presumes, is pronounced rye-hanna and rhymes with banana. Last name unknown/indeterminate. Little else is known about this diva. I think she wears skimpy dresses in her videos I bet.

Katy Perry – She is the one who looks like Zooey Deschanel. (I think they are sisters). She does some songs. They’re pretty good I think. Like not too offensive either way. I would describe her personality and stuff but I’m drawing a blank. (Same with Zooey). The good thing about this pop star is there’s not a lot to remember. You got ‘Katy’. And then you got ‘Perry’. Simple. That’s probably part of her appeal. Much easier to pronounce than Deschanel (French: “of Chanel”).

Beyonce – Well! This is the big one. Beyonce is a world famous pop star who got her big break during the Super Bowl. She is the one who was in that group but now she’s on her own. That’s what I call independent. You go girl! You probably wonder what her stage name is meant to signify. I think it is meant to sound as if it’s French for “bouncy” so that’s how they came up with it. Cuz if she’s bouncy, that’s sexy! You just can’t not think Beyonce -> bouncy -> sexy from this moment forward, can you. That’s how I always parse it anyway. I wonder if she’s from Louisiana, like she’s part Creole or something. That would explain the French. She is married to a big rapper (Warren G) so that way together they are ‘pop royalty’. Everyone is fascinated by and wants to be like them, and also, if they get a kid, we like that too.

Taylor Swift – I forget which American Idol season she was the winner of, but that’s how she became to be a pop star I think. She was the blond one on that season. Or, rather, there was Kelly Pickler and there was Taylor Swift? I texted in to Ryan Seacrest for Pickler but the rest is history as you know.

Pink – Pink.

Shakira – I know that Shakira is from somewhere in South America. That makes her diverse. Maybe she’s like an Amazon. But she dyes her hair blond. The interesting thing about Shakira is you can’t really tell what she looks like. Like, her face? Does anyone know? Her hair’s always in the way. I just find that fascinating. Anyway, if you like your pop music a little more ‘ethnic’ with a world type beat, Shakira’s the one for you probably (I’m assuming).

Alicia Keys – This one’s part not white and part white so that’s striking another blow for diversity. You can become fascinated by Alicia Keys and that way you’re not a racist without having to ever listen to a full-on not-white person, which is a bonus. She plays the piano so that’s like a Tori Amos but she does it less nasty, and presumably she’s got more soul (on account of the part not-white thing). She puts her hair on those tight braids sometimes so that’s how you can remember who’s this one.

Lady Gaga – Well what more can be said about Lady Gaga. Basically if you were around for the ’80s and ’90s, the best way to I can explain Lady Gaga, is she’s like, remember Madonna? Like that, but slightly worse. CONSTANTLY reinventing herself! A chameleon. And those videos! One word: provocative.

So there you have it, now you are completely up to date like I am with today’s female pop stars. Let me know if there’s any I’ve missed but I’m pretty sure that’s pretty much all of them.

**Disclaimer: have probably heard less than 10 minutes, collectively, of all these peoples’ music.

11 Comments so far
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did you know that Katy Perry has a cat named Kitty Purry? now I bet you’ll actually like her – AMIRITE?

also: Beyonce is not married to Warren G, you idiot – she’s married to Young Jeezy (i think… something like that)…

Comment by Kid Dynamite

I thought Beyonce was married to L’i’l Wayne.

Comment by Pastorius

BTW, I think Rihanna is married to Bobby Brown.

Comment by josh

That sounds right.

Comment by The Crimson Reach

I’ve noticed a trend lately of female pop stars not so much “singing” as screaming their songs out. Usually it’s something about no one ‘holding them back’ or ‘following their dreams’. Perry is a major offender.

Comment by Matt

I have to admit that you increased the knowledge I had of all these pop stars. Some of them are only names to me, and others aren’t even that. Sigh. I must be old.

Comment by Texan99

Boy did you get it right on Lady Gaga about being “provocative.” Every time I see one of her videos all I can think is one thing, we’re going to hell in a handbasket.

Comment by Pastorius

I’m a near-total ignoramus when it comes to popular culture. The minutes it would take for me to google their names are minutes that could better be spent reading P.G. Wodehouse or Charles Dickens. For that reason, I am in awe of the breadth and depth of your knowledge of these females (I’m taking your word for it that they are all females, since it would be too time-consuming to investigate the matter myself).

Comment by Bob

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